This has gone on long enough. I don’t know where Schwartz and Fedak got the notion that I give a shit about Chuck’s mom, or Chuck’s godfather, or Chuck’s third cousin, but I don’t. And I like this show. I like the characters — except for fucking Jeffster, who never were and never will be funny — but Chuck’s daddy issues from seasons two and three (“Why’d you abandon us?!”) were tiresome and probably plagiarized from Alias, and this season’s mommy issues (“Why’d you abandon us?!”) is already tiresome and obviously plagiarized from seasons two and three.

I wouldn’t be surprised at all to learn that the creative staff — who I’m sure all expected the show to be canceled two years ago — stopped tacking new index cards to the office’s bulletin board of ideas about, say, two years ago. There was probably a writers’ meeting where Fedak was all, “Come on, guys! We’re getting free Subway hoagies for life! We have achieved nirvana, who needs to be bothered with interesting characters and plots! …Hey, that would be a great line for Jeffster. You, D-girl, type that up!”

Then I bet they were all, “Do we really need a reason to get Yvonne Strahovski on camera in her underpants? No, goddamn it! We’re the fucking writers on Chuck, we’ll do whatever we please, and narrative coherence can just suck it!”

Point is, the show’s quickly becoming a good nostalgic boner-fest for people who actually care about actors who haven’t done anything since the early 90′s (…cough, cough, Sepinwall) and an ordinary thirty-second boner-fest for those of us who enjoy ogling pretty blonde ladies, but if you’re a total prude who’s interested in the hero’s journey, you’re shit out of luck.

 

You know one thing I appreciate about Modern Family, besides its clever humor, pathos, and characterization? The three couples — Phil and Claire, Jay and Gloria, and Mitch and Cam — have a solid foundation of love and respect for each other that transcends their idiosyncrasies, personality flaws, and philosophical quirks. Steven Levitan and Christopher Lloyd understand what brought these characters together in the first place and they’ve never forced conflict into the relationships just for some cheesy catharsis at the end of the episode. Sure, there’s conflict — Jay wants to ditch church to play golf, for example — but there’s also some perspective, and no one’s wondering if Jay and Gloria are going to dissolve from this one mismatch.

And if you’ve watched the past three seasons of Chuck, you know that Chuck and Sarah are made for each other — literally. Chuck is this fantasy where the nerd with the social skills of an unplayable character in Halo 3 can get the hot kick-ass girl through the sheer force of his fundamental decency and honesty. This season’s been all about the post-honeymoon settling and routine of keeping the girl, which is getting old as quickly on television as it does in real life. Most of last night’s Chuck dallied on the insecure weenie whining and desperation that’s become a staple of this largely unnecessary season. At least the previous two episodes gave us some boner-rrific chickfights to make the ad hoc relationship counseling easier to swallow; this week’s gratuitous montage of Sarah trying on bikinis would’ve gone down smoother if it weren’t preceded by a boner-killing nine-foot statue of Captain Awesome.

It never occurred to me that those three little words between Chuck and Sarah would kill the whole series’ dynamic, but maybe it’s just television’s most lucid illustration of the inevitable doom between Nerd Herders and girls who are way out of their league. Back during the season two fake relationship, he might have been a doofus, but Chuck wasn’t a doofus awash in pop psychology, ever once uttering the phrase “communication issues” or asking Sarah for five adjectives that describe him. (“Insipid,” maybe?) Chuck the romantic has been replaced with Chuck the fatalist convinced he’ll lose Sarah and strangling her to keep her around, and it ruins the innocuous, insouciant place in the Chuck universe that he occupied. I can only hope they’ll re-tool the show so Team Bartowski is Casey, Sarah, and Morgan for the show’s remaining nine episodes.

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